lingering around spc after syf trng today. realised that the empty feeling needed something to feel it up. my eyes hurt. figured out that it was the crying. figured out it was the non stop tearing my vessels are probably ruptured internally or something. it hurts just touching. and my heart hurts too. something's missing.
i got myself a banana muffin and a 4 bar kit kat.
banana muffin smells nice i keep picking on it and feel it mush down. smells really nice. comfort food. i think.
i break the kit kat into chunks and ate them bit by bit.
i feel alot better.
feels weird after so long...
maybe the hunger has subsided or maybe i just started feeling nonchalant.
have you ever wondered why i couldnt look at you?
maybe its cause of all the things you remind me.
i don know the answer either. i thought we'd have enough time to solve the problem. but apparently not. since the fact is that you are leaving first and i need to pick up the fragments of my heart... ... clearing the mess you left behind...
you keep saying all these things. and then i keep believing and it takes so long for me to realise that nothing is going to happen at all. i'm not a moron. i know these..
everytime i decided that its time to let it all go, you send a sms or something. then i falter and fall and its harder and harder to pick myself up again. i'm still wounded. still wounded but you keep dropping me drop drop drop i don know how to pick myself up when i am already so weak you just keep dropping me.
i'm stupid to believe each thing you say.
i need time off.
you're not the only one.
fuck.
im not ready for it.
but i guess its sort of better to let it go now and hurt than let it go later and hurt more.
why?
why do this to me?
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