today... is a day when the clouds gather.

my sis came back from malaysia today. after spending 4 days with xiaomei, yanting, and zhexue going out and having fun, playing and glorious food. and i had to deal with my class, camp and volleyball. but it wasnt bad, i had my fun share too. but still, those are something i cannot compare and it cannot measure up to the days i could have spent in malaysia.

malaysia means alot to me. no doubt. the best of my childhood spent there and of course, the unbreakable bonds i have with my cousins. i seriously, i feel super lucky that i have such a close bond with them... and they are something that no amount of money can replace. i love them alot. love them too much that sometimes my mind cannot function properly without them.

and now i'm suffering from malaysia-sick (as in homesick). ): i miss them so badly.
and seeing my sister NOT having to study till august cos she is enrolling in laselle, and sch doesnt start till then, and she coming back with a face of smiles, no doubt, my heart feels a pang of jealousy. and the anger slowly starts creeping up to me. we are twins.. so people say we are the same. but why is the difference between us so big? my heart is crying very badly, and sometimes i just want him to know, and i want to have him hug me again consoling me when jia and xiaomei are tgt and i'm all alone... sometimes i feel that i'm unwanted, even thought i know God will still be here. but who am i to God for him to notice me? the small mild child of His that is almost invisible.. .... *sigh*

and then i go back to remembering dec, when i left malaysia with alone when jia is still laughing and smiling back at me, i saw them leaving in the car as i sat back alone crying as my heart ached. probably the fact that i had to make it back to an unimportant meeting for school and she can have her fun, made me feel unfair. i wanted to be with them too.

and i ended up crying for the next 2 days day and night with kc consoling me. friends are great, but sometimes, they cant replace what i wanted to feel.

and during the new year, when i knew i had to go, i started crying again, of cos, very stubbornly. thankfully yanting and yanxin are softhearted. and they came with me, just to stay with one more night with me and the rest of my cousins.

i didnt wanted to be weak you know. just that i felt really unhappy and i didnt wanted to leave the place. i only get to see them 3 or 4 times a year for no more than 1 week each time. and i really treasure the time i spend with them.

i just want to see him again.
things are finally clear (even if deep down it is not)
and i just want to see his smiling face again.
and i cant see them again next week cos i have volleyball camp. ): ):

GAH.

i should stop being so emo.
i know i will still have somebody.

dear God,

i'm praying that i will stop feeling empty today.
and i'm praying that you will come inside to my heart.
and take the pain all away.

feel me with your presence,
and i promise,
i will shine again.
i wont complain any longer.

and i will suffer alone,
not bringing pain or hurt to my surrounding.

i will be brave because dear God,
i know that you'll be behind me
and you'll be giving me strength.

Amen.

cheerios,
eve (: