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PROLOGUE


"i lost him, jason. i lost him even though i never had him."
michelle cried out. the burst of outflow of tears shocked herself. and jason too. there they were. at the funeral of gerry. it wasnt to end this way. it wasnt suppose to be like this. every drop of tears that fell from her already swollen red eyes pained jason so much. he would give anything at all to stop those flowing tears. anything.

"mich.. i.."

he stopped. he didnt know what he could possibly do to ease her pain. losing someone physically was painful enough. now, that person was gone, mentally.. physically.. from this world. what the hell could he possibly do to make it all better? was this how things was like? when you lost someone? jason didnt know. he never know. he didnt know anything at all, he never knew love. that was, until he met michelle.

he felt hopeless at the sight of michelle crying so much. the cheeriness of her was gone. there wasnt sunshine anymore. just gloomy clouds that might just stay forever. its raining up there. he thought.

"i loved him so much jay. i loved him so so much. i couldnt have him. and now i never will."
michelle sobbed hysterically in her palms. her flushed cheeks were so damp now. and there were tears tricking down to her wrist and neck. she lost control over her legs, and fell to the icy cold floor of the empty hall. songs were sung, both of them, could hear the last prayers and goodbyes said by the priest to gerry.

she started burying herself in her own palms, to her hands, her knees, recoiling to the phase where she became so enclosed in her own body, curled and knotted by invisible walls in her own world. it hurt jason to know that he would hurt her that much. jason knew she loved him. but he didnt knew it was to this extend. he wanted to be there for her now. since he wasnt here anymore.

he proceeded. he wanted to give michelle a hug. just to let her know he was there for her. that he cares. his hands were as warm as the hot cup of chocolate that michelle loved. she knew she needed that hug. she knew.

michelle pushed his hands away. breaking her walls of enclosement.
and at this moment, jason's heart broke.
"please. dont. i dont need this." michelle whispered. tears flowing out of her blue eyes. looking intently into jason's soul. she knew it hurt him that she said this. she knew it would hurt him badly. jason stared back. helpless.
"i need to be alone. i dont need this. jason. i dont want anybody at this point of time now. i only want gerry. he's the only thing on my mind now. jason, i only want him. only him. i want back his scent. his everything. i dont want the hug to take away his scent jason. i miss him. i need him. more than i need that hug. jason. im sorry." michelle forced the words out of her mouth. she smoothed the sweater that gerry had left in her house, which she's wearing. she pushed jason further away. and continued burying herself in her knees. again deaf to everything but her uncontrolled sobs.

jason's world crashed.
his heart broke to a million pieces.
he wondered how he was going to stay there.
he looked at the small petite body of michelle.
"im sorry.. " he stuttered.
"mich. im sorry. .. so sorry everything turned out like this."

he turned, and ran out of the hall. into the chapel to the people who was listening to the priest.
then, settling down on the empty bench, he broke down.
"gerry. you son of a bitch. look at what you did to her."
and he started crying.
he felt cold all over again.
just like the time when he knew that he was an orphan.
that he was alone.

the different thing is..
that michelle wasnt with him anymore, smiling beside him. saying "its ok. you have me."

his sobs were heard throughout the chapel.
and for once, he didnt care.