things that keep me awake at night

i stir and turn and repeat for the next 3 hours and before i know it it's 7am and i got to leave for school.

i wondered what it would be if i wasn't in a long distance relationship.
maybe right now i wouldn't be as insecure as i am. but the thing is i don't understand what it is that keeps me up. why am i insecure? but it's not him that i am insecure about. it's me.

i wonder what would happen when i graduate.
i'm not buried in the shadows under my sister's glory, but the pressure to do good is there and i have disappointed my parents one too many times. i am not sure what it is i am seeking but i sure as hell am not going to do much by crying in bed and watching The Office the whole day.

i think about Jim and Pam and Brian and all that could have happened if it was real life.
feelings fade and love do exist but feelings fade and feelings always change. it's okay.
it is.

there are so many more things that i can do, wasted emotions and time on being angry and obsessed. i am young aren't i. spent too much time trying to be something that i wanted to be but i couldn't fulfill. i say i am happy without monetary support but can i really? i am sitting in a cafe drinking $7 coffees and smoking $12 cigarettes. what would i be without monetary comfort?

i am seeking
always seeking but.
but seeking what?

i want to wake up beside someone and just...