set your alarm at 3 and write down the first thing you think of when you wake up.

i feel like not existing.

there is this excess weight and heaviness.
i cannot wait for school to be over and i can have my life back and all my friends and i have to start thinking positive but do i even know what i want. i am so afraid of commitment what if one day i woke up to realise all my friends left me.

i hate this brain of mine and i hate that i let people down and i sometimes disappoint them.
i want to say that i am human but that is all an excuse i am just a lousy human i am so sorry if i ever hurt you and i cant think straight.
do you know what i used to say to myself.
i thought that if i looked prettier i thought that if i lose weight then everything would be okay. i need to have a prettier face because i thought that pretty means that i could belong to myself and i will love myself but why isnt it something that i am working towards?
this goes against everything i am working for but i want to be perfect
i want to be thin i want to be pretty and i want to be that normal responsible girl that can not let people down.

i am sorry i always let people down.

but first i have to stop letting myself down and really mean it this time.
i love my life. i am so lucky and i want to acknowledge that
i love you all my friends who are reading this blog and everyone i am sorry i didnt manage to catch up i am so sorry i was so caught up with myself  i swear i make a promise all this will change

my head fucking hurts seriously i dont know if i am making any sense at all but i love all of you and i have so much love for all of you i just sometimes wish i could love myself too but please all of you i will be there and i will start keeping the promises that i have made and i will be there for you.