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i want to be happy.

you know, without hating myself too much.

i wonder sometimes, if i could really make a change in my life and start working towards the positive images. and really start to love myself.
what is it in life that i want?

all i have been harping on the fact is that i am too big too fat too dumb too lazy.
and yet all i can do is just talk about it or post on this blog but i can't even find the effort to really make changes even though i want to.

i dont even know how to live anymore.

i want to go back to the way i was you know.
being curious. about everything.
wanting to know about stuff even awkward things like brain and how they work.
the fact that ms chew was a great gp teacher and lee lian really helped in my philo inquisitions..

i need people like them to keep up with that energy.
but its not.. i cant really make a sense of where i am going to now.

i am flunking university, lazing around and slacking.

i try to change but that fire in me lasts at most 2 days and then i go back to old habit's slacking in front of the television.

there's always something that makes me this way.

starting from this year, i really tried to buck up, i changed my eating habits, i started studying and revising really hard. then sherwin came along. and then my emotions got the better of me, i went into a hard time and i couldnt really pick myself up, when i got abit better, cp came along, and then it was the oe troubles. emotions found comfort in food and all i could do was just binge and tried to make myself feel better. shop and tried to make myself better. tv and tried to make myself laugh and forget and drown myself in the static and blurs. of course nothing really made it better. i felt worse. felt like a lump of useless shit. grew fatter (duh) and then the emotional backlash came about how i felt about myself how i felt about my body and simply put i just hate myself. up till now. because i don't know what i want to be and i lost the strength to be what i should be.

it's not easy.
i am trying to get better.

at least i feel that things are better than before.
i should gt away from poison people.
like cp.
he's just bad for my self esteem.

anyway it's not like he's a bad person.
he's just a fucking typical guy.
not my type.
maybe i was just blinded by a few facts. about him. maybe they were fake moments.

i just dont want to let myself so down because of him.
of all people too.

i can be motivated by him.
but he is not motivation enough.
he's not sher. he's not yt either.
he's just not it. why the fuck am i bothered.
i just could never seem to get an answer.



i refuse to be whatever he wants.

i know.
why i am so insecured.

because there was never anyone who could assure me.
and when there was one, it turned out he didnt want me either.
because i could be a liability for him.
because i was a commitment he was afraid of.

"i didnt like seeing you upset."
"i'll protect you, i'll make you smile"

he made it seem like it was his duty to make my happy.
i was. for like 2 days. and then my heart got trampled on and i cried for a month.

it's not like he's the fucking messiah or something.
but at that point of time i realised how i was so desperate for someone like him,
because he knew me and because he made me feel better about myself.

i just.., i just need someone like him.

it's really upsetting you know,
when all you can do is just rot in front of a fucking television wanting to move but cant.

everyone has somebody.

i am still just .. only waiting.