do you want to take the risk.

do you know i have so many things i have to say. so many tears i want to cry and so many goddamn insecurities i wish i can be free from?

why must it be me?
why does it have to be me?

why do i have to grow up in this environment where i am not happy being myself?

i always find this need to want something.
and then find the need to always want something when i cannot get it...
i could curl up in a ball and cry.

i want to find something that belongs to me.
maybe a friend with benefit is not my thing.
i get too attached.
and when this happens, i always waste my day depressed and binging.

to get it out of my system.
and i cant get anything done.



i will regret nothing.

i got to start doing things more like that.

because it is the way that i should live and they way i can be happy.
my state of mind makes me so unhappy and i want to stop that.



i have to learn that it is okay that things dont go my way.


i forgot what it is like to be in love.
to worry about someone.
to think if he would want me.



you dont live for someone.
you live for yourself.

i wish i could be that much stronger.

i have no one but myself to live for.
right now i just wish someone would come into my life and make it worth living..

i am that close to start something irrational.
i might do something i will regret.

i dont want to be another mistake and another minute fucking object.

i want to stop living as invisible and make myself live.
i want to be alive and happy.

there has got to be more than just that.

my heart hurts.
and i dont know who it hurts for.



i am on the giving end.

and no one is really there to catch my heart.



to miss is not a sad thing.
to miss is something you can learn to look at in an optimistic way.

i am trying to find something i can be happy about.

the happy things.

but what happy things have i really shared with anyone?
all of them are so fucking overwhelmed with betrayal i cant take it.

the good memories are to make you happy.
the bad ones just keep stabbing me.

but its supposed to make me grow stronger.
and yet all it does is keep making me have flashbacks of those i dont want to remember.

am i not supposed to forget it?
i dont want it to keep haunting me.
i am living in the shadows of the past when all i want to do if just claw my way out alive.

if not i will be eaten by the darkness.
and then no one can save me.
i will scream.
but no one can hear me.

give me your hand,
and i will never grab it.

when i am eaten by the darkness.
it is too late.