hey kelman,

if i am stuck now,
i need someone to pull me out.

but what if the person never comes along and you are just the best thing that passed me by?

i promised myself to stop making anymore regrets but as the thoughts that flash through my mind are all about what i am and who i have become it does nothing but stabs me.
there are just more than i thought to this world.

i have fought so hard to make a stand for myself but in the end does it really matter?
i dont care about what the world think
but in the end maybe i really do.

i am still living my normal life.
exams are coming.
i am glad i can still find that wee comfort in the few friends i have.

so what if everyone hates me.

i will just leave alone.
miserably.

but at least i will live.
i have to be glad that there is simply more to life than other people's opinion.

i still have someone who believes in me.
and i think thats all that matters now.

i wont sit around and think about split milk.
whats done is done,
i am still young (pray i dont get hit by a drunk driver)
life is still going to go a long way.

ultimately i will still meet many people.

just as royston have become the biggest mistake in my life,
you will become another memory that will wrench my heart for years to come.

i wasnt sure if what we had could become love.
but you are still the friend that i would have given up many things for.
i needed that friend. and rather than letting you become the second ZQ in my life,
i would rather you be the one that was by my mistake.

you are not ZQ and i will not let myself think anymore.

today was a rainy day.

it shall be the final reflection.
i am not sure if you would want to hear from me.
but if it doesnt matter to you,

i shouldnt have let it bothered me too.

i dont care about what you should or shouldnt have done.
i am just apologetic for what i could have done but didnt.
apologetic for letting you think that you didnt mean much to me when you did.
and apologetic for being that person in everybody's eye.

i usually say i dont have to explain myself,
just that this time i do because you are not just anybody.

i am sorry.
i am so so sorry.

i have always been this way.
selfish and self centred. and while i think i would call it being free-spirited, i dont think it is a good excuse of hurting the people around me.
i have lost so many good friends in my life that made me weaker and weaker to being open and giving to the people around me.
maybe thats why i have been so awkward about giving more to the people around me because after all the hurt that i have been through i really dont want to end up getting hurt again.

and this is why i am the me now.

i dont pay attention to the people i dont care about,
why should i? they have never done the same for me.

but you,
of all people i really thought that you would know me.

that i stick better closer to open friendships and it doesnt matter if there is a guy or girl around i just want to be me and have fun.
i have been like this since primary school. the ostracization from the girls... i was just in primary school. how the fuck would i have know what is being left alone. i just knew that the boys in class hardly judged me and they were so much more fun then being with girls who gossiped about other girls and their crushes. i was never one of them.

in the end i grew wary of those around me. and the comfort that i recieved were those that from non-girls. is it awkward to say that i feel more comfortable around guys.

fuck.

why do i need to explain so much.

i find myself whiny.






fuck.

and anyway.
...

he's never gonna see this post.

im just trying to make myself feel better.

in this slump for the past 8 months.
its not going better.

stupid .

even if i lay in bed thinking about it,
i dont think i would ever have the courage to open my mouth in front of you.
because i have no rights.
with all that i see, i have done so much to hurt you.

all i can do is just say sorry.
all i can do is to not appear in front of you because you dont want me to.

i didnt know that i have hurt you this much.

i didnt want you to change.

you have been with me through those 2 fucked years in jc and listening me complaining about bryan to zq to merry gang and to life issues.

i was supposed to be those few good friends you have too,
i kept thinking that maybe i would have been worth a second chance.

but i shouldnt think that way right?
because its you...
and after the hurt that i have given you..

i have no rights with regard to anything about you anymore.

all i can keep repeating to you is i am sorry
i am sorry
i am sorry.