how can you make me believe?

i wonder what i'd do if someone says i love you.
i can never believe them entirely. at least not like how i used to.

i thought words like these were supposed to come out wholesome and heal you. these words are supposed to make everything fine again and that assurance is always welcomed.

but i keep thinking about the truth that lies within the words.
thinking if the person who says it really means it. i am starting to realise that alot of people can lie through their teeth saying such simple but deep words.

when he used to say them to me, i wont say it back cos i thought they'd mean nothing if i dont love him. but when i realised i sort of do i asked him if he loved me. he says he dont know. says things like these take longer time to grow. well. i dont think you should say them at all if you don fucking mean it.

i hurt so much in the past.
but now i realise that it is so much better to hurt now and get over it than to get hurt so much more cos of the faith and hope you keep feeding the relationship at hand. i dont want anything without promises. because then i cannot get anything out of nothing. sam says women need that status. that post. that unstated agreement that i am that somebody of you. but then i get "i dont know" so fucking often i get tired. i dont like crying. i dont like getting tired. and that is why i choose to tell you i am out. i dont need you like i thought i did. i'm so silly. i dont love you as much as i thought i did either. i think being out of love does that to you.

are you ok boy?
dont say you miss me.
i know you just want something to fill that emptiness.
i became your habit.
becos i was always there 24/7 for you. (not that i think you did the same for me. did you?)
but relax man, habits change.
get used to it.
i am not supposed to be here for you all the time.

i'm questioning. i feel like laughing cos you were the one who did that to me in the first place.
you didnt do anything you didnt hold on to me that's not my fault. i left you so i could save myself. and thats better than anything.