i just wanted to.

Do you know how it feels to be the spare tyre? I just realized what it felt like. And it hit me like a truck and felt like a fucking slap in the face and a punch in the guts.
I know it sounds ridiculous. But the thing is.. I might have chosen to deny this fact. I just chose simply to believe that he was better than he seems. Maybe not. It was so right in my face. So obvious. But I chose to ignore it because I wanted to believe he wasnt really what people believed him to be. Because I thought I knew him better...

But that's not the case.
It never is.

I wasn't really that into the whole idea of liking him. Yet I couldn't get myself out of "unliking" him either. While I was stuck about with my brain, my heart decided to let things run.
He was nice.
But that's it. He's just nice.
He's nothing more. And seriously at certain points in my life he just put my in my lowest ever self esteem point.

Right now I get it.
I really do.

I dont need a few days, I'm okay already. And even with the sucky amount of sleep I got last night, I woke up feeling better. The fact that he was there after Sher doesnt make him a good alternative and it shouldnt be a factor that clouds my judgement about what i want in a guy and who I get into liking.

He's not for me.
Its just as simple as that.
I always thought that if we really did get together, one way or another, I could accept the fact that he's always looking at other girls and discussing about other girls. I thought it's okay, since I'm not any other girl, I would be his girlfriend. Then again, after last night when he was seriously hanging out with other girls, it got me thinking. Which girlfriend would be okay with it? Would I be someone that was so secure about myself? And him?

Shaun told me yesterday "then you dont feel like a spare tyre meh?"
WOW. Yes. I do. When no one is there, I am the to go to. Wtf?
And being with shaun just made me feel better about everything else. The fact that him and nat was closer than I could ever be, that weird feeling that someone was judging your every movement... I couldn't take it. And when Shaun brought me for supper I just felt so much better. I don't know if it was because he knew I felt uncomfortable or not but he just talked to me about some stuff.
Karma's a bitch.
Why? Because shaun said "then he's like leading you on what."

Fuck.

Seriously. Karma. Face-palm. Slap slap. /wrist.

I wasn't really expecting anything from him. But hearing it from someone just... Killed it. Killed me. Okay not that big a deal. Maybe just like further deflated me and gave me a small blow. Well. I did hope. I can't deny that. I wanted to be someone that could cook scallop porridge for him when he got sick or the girlfriend he would (like finally) take care of.

Well.
That's that.
Burden off my chest.
I don't know why I am typing such a long post here. Maybe a chance for me to blow steam off. Maybe I'm in denial. Yada yada.

Going to Korea soon.
Should use this opportunity well.

Sigh.
xxxxxx