the tears that get stuck.

have you ever wondered if the emotions you've felt were nothing more than just insignificant?

for once, i did try hard to make it work.
ultimately i realised that it didnt matter who i had as friends. what made it important was that i could call myself someone who wasn't lonely.

i turned back and looked around.

am i lonely?

from secondary 1 to 4, i had yiling by my side. and the friendship of messiah and yueli and the surrounding of people who didnt dislike me and vice versa.

from jc 1 in ijc, i had jessica. and charles, glen, victor, yings, ryan, sq...
the wonderful people who made life fun and made it the turn around point in my shallow lifestyle.

and then came jj, i met alyssa, then ica and ultimately rachel.
then there was kelman, zq, merry gang, jess, razak, chingkit, shawn.

and the long break.. and the tons of acquaintances that came and go.

then nus, with natalina, shaun, cp etc the lot.

and through the years, once in a while, i had yiu leung kc and xuan beside.

then hello, back to the now.
it's like i am in solitude...

i dont have many beautiful memories.
what i am stuck in is the remnants of the past that i cannot get back.

this is my lingo.

i am stuck and i cannot move on.
i try to but i cant, and then i realise that its not because i cant but because i dont want to.
what if those years from my past become what i was supposed to be but never to become?
i am so reluctant to leave that memory because i liked myself so much more then!
what am i now?
a mere someone who has to be the background.
i hate being in the fucking background.

this is the first year that i ca me to realise that i am no longer who i was.
i keep trying to relive things and i have to make myself realise that what was once can never be again.

please save me.

i hate myself.
hate the way i am living. hate the live i am leading.

everything that was once my own can only live in the past.
i no longer own them.

fucking hurts.

you have no idea how much it sucks when it was better then.

i dont want to look back into my life and think that it was so much better then.
i will not become that person.
and i have to make it happen.

five years ago,
at ipoh. when everyone had someone else. i was the one that had to be the odd one out. i forced myself to fit into the groups that made me fit in awkwardly. jia jia had xiao mei. jia yi was with joey. i had to make myself the extra and overenthusiastic individual that was to be accepted by everyone. i had to be nice to everyone. i had to do whatever they want to do. and nightfall came. everyone had a sleeping buddy. i looked at the empty space next to mine. the queen size bed i was in was empty other than my body.

i hate myself.

then he came in. there was no place else to sleep so he came in. my uncle was almost worried if something immoral would happen. "NO LA. i got morals one okay," he yelled back.
we chatted for a while. i heard about some stories. and he told me about grace. we fell asleep back facing each other. nothing happened. to me then he was just the cousin.

next day we went caving. and he was there. HE WAS THERE. that time we held hands. and when i was scared, he told me "怕什么？ 有我在。"

he held my hands.
he held my hands...
that was all i could repeat to myself and seriously, i indulged in the luxury.

everyone was tired at the end and then when we reached back in kl, all the cousins laid in the bed and read crayon shin. i didnt know when but i fell asleep. when i woke up, i could see him there sleeping.. facing me.. isnt it strange. i ran my fingers on his chest .. and he woke up.

its a cliche isnt it.
but that was it. how i find myself stuck in the world that i cannot escape.
reaching ipoh in the malaysia trip. all i could think about when i reached the exact same place i went 5 years ago was nothing more than lee yan ting.

story of my life.
im a fucking sucker.