break down

i called her on the phone some days ago.
trembling, holding the phone so tight i could feel it closing up.
i asked for her but she wasnt free and then i felt my voice shaking.

its so so hard to be sorry sometimes. but i went through old stuff and i felt as though it's different being myself for who i am than compared to who i am on the surface. i feel like i have two different sides. how has life been for me now?

i feel lonely.
i feel tired.
i feel cold.
i feel like no one cares.
i feel ignored.
i feel left out.
i feel used.
i feel stupid.
i feel as if history is repeating itself.
i feel like i am changing.
i feel like im taking too much things for granted.
i feel as though my world is crashing down on me.
i feel regrets.
i feel awful.
i feel like im alone.
i feel so so so much more things.
yet i just cant seem to put the words to it.

like everything is eating me inside out. and the more i try to get rid of the feeling the more it comes back at me eating me faster and leaving dry.

i cried like hell, as though the world was ending.
i cried more than when he left.
i cried for my mistakes.
i cried for my loss.
i cried for my regrets.
i cried for losing myself.
i cried for being weak.
i cried for losing.

i cried for me.

i cry because i was lost.
i cry because i am hurt.
i cry because i was lied to.
i cry because i was ignorant.
i cry because i feel wronged.
i cry because no one was willing to cry for me.
i cry because i had to.
i cry because i didnt know how to let it all out.
i cry because i had to go on pretending everything was fine.

i cry because i was me.

so many things had happened over the long course that i had not blogged.
now that i am blogging, i feel as though the time has past for the event to be mentioned. i regret so much, i pass happiness, i lost joy, i felt anger, i recognized failure. i remember being thrown away. but all these are too much things to be put into words. what it used to be will now, shall now be stored in my memory. no matter if they were hurtful or not. i just recall being the way i was treated. will the memory fade or will it stay to scar will only depend on how i take things into my stride. i am not one to fling things into the wind. but i wish i could.

i miss him alot.
i really do.

but i know what i miss is only something that i had missed out on.
thats my fault.
but then again theres so much things i hold regret to.

if i die, xuan, tell royston that i'd probably do anything if we could had a second chance. i am ready to accept. ready to open up. to accept anything that's willing to accept me.

ha.
im so childish.
like i wont know opportunities dont come knocking twice.
and anyway i am dead by the time.
so like, wads the point la.

but.
i will NEVER EVER say this in front of him. like, ever.


ARGHHHHHHHH.
fucking hate the way things are.

i miss jie. ):